i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
