Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
