do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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