I hope mine doesn't look like that
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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