He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
