God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
