I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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