So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
