Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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