You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
