did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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