her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
