The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
