maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
