I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
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