toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
