You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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