Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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