i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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