i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
