I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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