Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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