I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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