Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
