best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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