My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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