Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
