My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
