Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
