I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
