I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
