I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
