I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
