Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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