dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
