if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
