You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
