Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
