How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
