see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
