and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Randomize
