Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
