Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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