hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
