youre lurking in front of me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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