Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
