Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Randomize
