just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
