I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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