I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
