haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Randomize
