We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
